dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
