im drinking this country out of the recession.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
