Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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