Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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