did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
