I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
it's great music for shaving your balls
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
