I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
