Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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