for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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