If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
