Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
