I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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