I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
