I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
