I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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