Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
