my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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