when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
