we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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