I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
