There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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