I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
