Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
