the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
