i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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