I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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