My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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