So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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