guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
