What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
