in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
