Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
