This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
