I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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