When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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