Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
