Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
