i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
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