The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
