She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
