He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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