my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
