If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
