You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
