lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
