dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize