Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
3pm strippers are depressing
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
