I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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