We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize