literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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