We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
