No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
