I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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