The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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