You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
