You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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