i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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