Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
