As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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