and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
