For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
