she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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