awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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