I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
