Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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