The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
